disguised victories

The last time I had a period was last year - in May. That one like all of the others that I have had since at least 1999 have been Provera-induced. I take 10 days of the the progesterone supplement Provera and then about 3 days later, I have a period. It's usually long and miserable but it gets the job done.

Step back to my marriage with Steve. We decided to get married on May 1st and then actually did it on May 15th. Yes, 2 weeks. We decided that we wanted a kid and married, I would be on his insurance and see an infertility specialist. So that is what we did. I went to Dr. Fahimi. We went through lots of cycles and bloodwork and stuff that no girl should have to do before she finally told me that I none of this stuff was working because I was too fat and she wouldn't help me further until I lost weight. Now, okay, I get it but then it was hurtful and mean and I hated her for it. Since then, I have gotten divorced, dated then remarried. Kenny and I have wanted a child but I didn't want to go through the infertility stuff again. I knew in my heart that Dr. Fahimi was right even though she was a bitch about it. Some of you know my failed adoption story so we aren't looking to get into that again. This leaves us with loosing weight. That's when Gastric Bypass came into play. My health and well being was the biggest determining factor for having RNY but second came the baby thing. I know at 35, I am running out of time. Third reason, I want my ass to look good in jeans again! Too few people admit to vanity as one of the reasons but I'm just trying to be honest.

About 2 weeks ago, my boobs were killing me. I kept them locked up in my padded bra (it has to be padded b/c I have no boobs otherwise. dammit!) under the safety of the foam but when I took it off, they just ached. A couple of nights, I had to actually sleep with my bra on. Those who know me know that is a fate worse than death! Fast forward to yesterday.... I started my period. I must have ovulated 2 weeks ago. OMG!!! That must have been what that pain was. Right now, I am in so much pain from cramps and just overall feeling like poop but I am so joyful. Part of me feels like a woman again. The maternal side of me sees hope.

I came to grips with my infertility a long time ago. I don't get upset when the people around me get pregnant. I don't define myself by if I do or do not have a child. I can go to baby showers and be okay. Kenny and I really enjoy each other so being just "Missy and Kenny" for the rest of our lives is okay with me..... however, it is still nice to know that it is now a possibility.

It's the most wonderful time.....

Yes, friends. Spring is here. Since I live in Nashville, it is time to get this gardening party started! Today I am heading out to prep one of the beds. I need to plant my peas this week.

Here is what I think we are growing this year!

tomatoes

cucumbers

2 herb gardens (one with rosemary, sage, oregano, parsley, cilantro, dill, and whatever else I can squeeze in there and the the other one will be the basil garden. I will do regular basil, thai basil, globe basil which are absolutely adorable and maybe some other basil I find at the garden center)

sugar snap peas

snow peas

zucchini and summer squash

peppers (green, thai, jalapenos)

my sunflower patch will be a pumpkin patch this year

green beans

this still leaves room for a few more things. Not sure what else I would like to do. I'll have to hit the seed aisle to see if something strikes my fancy.

Here's to dirty fingers and sun-kissed noses! Man, I love spring.

transitions

It's been a little bit since I have posted. I am currently just short of 12 weeks post op. I had my 3 month follow up visit last Wednesday. My official weight was 256. I was at 307 the day of surgery. That puts me at 51 pounds lost. I was in a tight 26/28 pants and shirts and now I am down to a 18/20 in shirts and a 20 or 22 in pants. I cannot begin to tell you how different I feel - or not. Some days, I feel like the same old fat girl and some days I feel like a size 12. I am sure I will adjust.

Right now I am in a transition stage. I have been moved to a pretty much regular diet. I can eat most things. I still don't eat "white' things like potatoes, bread, rice or things made with white flour. I can, but I don't. I am able to get my protein in. My water is going nicely. I still have bad days with food. I try to eat something and my body is like "wait! Hold the phone! Not right now!". Hmm. okay. We'll try again later. I have also learned that I can handle skim milk. I religiously drink two 8 oz. glasses a day. That gets me about 20 grams of protein and is helping me make my goal of 70 a day. I still struggle with dense meats so no beef or chicken really. I can handle deli roast beef with cheese. I pack those for lunch often. I can handle chicken from the chinese restaurant in a light sauce. We've done that a few times. Other than that, nah, I'll pass. I am now transitioning from the post-op girl who dreads even going NEAR that hospital to the one that must now learn how to live NORMAL.

I have always had a love affair with food. I don't know if it is the taste or the creative jolt it gives me or the nostalgia factor. Something has made me love it. My mission now is to find ways to eat normal food but modifying it so that it fits our new needs imposed by our rerouting.

I am inspired by Shelly (go to the website "the world according to eggface" to see what I mean). I am going to try my hand at this. Hopefully this will be a chance to spark my creativity that I have needed for a while.