my first gym experience

As a singer, I have always had great breath support.  I'm not (usually) one of those fat folks that get winded after a little physical activity.   With that being said, all of that goes out the window after this surgery.

Back when we lived in Florida, Kenny and I worked out religiously.  We felt great... healthy and strong and powerful.  Life happened and we stopped going.  One of our big goals with this surgery was to make sure that we were doing it for the right reasons and that we meant it.  It is a huge commitment and we need to make sure that we were going to honor all of the hard work that we have put into it.  I even took a self-induced job cut so that I could take care of myself better but that's a whole 'nother story.

Since I am 3 weeks out, I decided that it was time to get back into the physical activity world.  Last week, I was able to walk around Wal*Mart without the little wheelie cart.  Granted, I was a bit worn out and I had to go sit down while Kenny went through the line, but I made it.   Yesterday, I decided that I was going to go to the gym.  We've had memberships for a while.  We really do enjoy going but when you work 10 hour days, it doesn't always happen like you want it to.  So I went in and got on the treadmill.  I walked exactly a mile and felt so strong afterwards.  I could only get my speed up to 1.9 MPH but at least I did it.  I haven't been cleared to go over to the weights yet.  Dr. Brandon says I should be able to go there after another week.  I gotta "take it easy" but at least I can do it.  

I have went back and forth about having this surgery for years.  I am so glad that I did it.  It was a huge step and it hasn't been easy but I feel so good about  my choice. 

Kenny's doctor appointment

Since I am still off work, I went with Kenny today to do his pre-op stuff.  He was scheduled to go into surgery on Feb. 12 but now they have moved him up a week to Feb.5.  Holy shit.  This may change a few things.  First and foremost, I was scheduled to go back to work on Feb. 2.  I think it will be silly to go back for 2 days and then take off another week to take care of him.  Sooo... I've already talked to my boss but I need to change my FMLA return date.  

I think the change of date kinda freaked him out a bit but he will be okay.  

On a good note, while they were weighing him in, I did mine too.  When I went into surgery I was at 307.  As of today, I am at 278.  I have lost almost 30 pounds in 3 weeks.  Again, I about cried when I saw the little slip that had my weight and BMI on it. (I seem to be doing a lot of that crying thing... I think it's because estrogen is stored in the fat and gets released in weight loss.... at least that is what I am blaming it on).   My BMI is a 43.  That just blows my mind.  

I can do this. 

three weeks... plus a couple of days

Tuesday was the 3 week anniversary of the surgery.  I was going to post then but then our computer took a crap.  I think the fan went out.  Lucky for me, I am married to a computer SUUUPER genius so it is all better now.  

...and now back to what I should have written on tuesday.....

I am 3 weeks out.  Things are getting much better.  I have finally progressed on to some solid-ish foods.  everything is still pureed but I can at least tell that the stuff was at one time food that normal people would have eaten.   Tonite, I had my version of a hamburger.   I took ground up very lean burger, pureed a dill pickle, and added a touch of mayo and mustard and ate it with a spoon.  It was the best "almost burger" ever.    I am also seeing a lot of changes in my body.  dents where there used to be curves and bones where there was fat before.  It is an all-new feeling for me.  I did have to go get a few new shirts though.  I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to do a new wardrobe each month, but at some point, all of the fat clothes just make ya feel bad.  Most of my shirts are Lane Bryant 26/28.  I was actually able to just buy a couple of cheapo shirts from Wal*Mart in a size 18/20.  I tried them on in the kitchen when we got home and ended up just standing there crying on Kenny's arm.  Unfortunately for me, the bottom is not loosing as quick.  Well, let me rephrase that.... my legs are loosing lots and my ass ain't looking to bad either.  However my gut is taking it's old sweet time.  I am still able to comfortably wear my pants still.  The legs all look huge though.  Oh well,  I can't have it all!

feeling weird today

Not really sure why, but i am struggling a bit today.  There was something in my water cup (I think it was wax from the bottom of the cup or something like that) and when it hit my mouth, it just sent me into wretching mode.  ugh.  Ever since then, the tummy has been fragile.  I had plans to go to Wal*Mart today but I'm struggling a bit.

Each day, I am feeling more and more human.  I have been able to get up, move around, not take  a bunch of naps during the day.  It is getting easier.  I am also not struggling as much with my food.  I have been able to eat some foods.  I'm not trying to push it or anything but I'm definitely trying.  

today is my 2 week anniversary...

So here is what I know.

This shit is hard.  It makes the phrase "she took the easy way out" even more frustrating, more heartbreaking, more offensive.   I sometimes forget that I am safe and protected by my family and friends and in the comfort of obesityhelp.com.  All of these places remind me that I did the right thing and to keep my eye on the ultimate goal - my health.  Every once in  a while, I venture out into the unsafe world we all affectionately drawn to.  The internet can be an unkind place but unfortunately, it is a representation of our culture.  The bad thing (or good thing, as you see it) the internet allows people to speak without filters.  You see true feelings and thoughts.  that 18 year old kid you see at the grocery store may not make eye contact with you in the check out line, but when he goes home, he speaks freely about what he thought.  What creates those feelings?  Did he learn it from the TV?  Is that how is dad is?  Worse even, is that how his mom portrays herself to be?    I have never been one to let all of that get to me.  Maybe  my voice has given me a confidence I wouldn't have had otherwise.  Maybe it's because when I read Maya Angelou, I took it to heart.  Why yes, I do dance like I have diamonds at the meeting of my thighs.  thank you.  Yes, it's hard.... but I know it is worth it.  

I am struggling with a couple of things.  first of all, the proteins.  There is no way I am getting all of my proteins in.  The supplements won't stay down or I can't even get them past my lips.  That is really frustrating for me.  I want to be the best patient I can be but this isn't helping.  I am also struggling a  bit with my food.  When i had my appt last Tuesday, Ashlee progressed me to pureed foods.  In retrospect, too early but I can't change that.  On Thursday, I ate tilapia.  moist, mushed, everything it was supposed to be, but I overate and it has totally fucked me up.  I puked immediately.  Now I have paid for it since then.  Well, actually I am fine now, but I live in fear of what goes into my mouth.  This is probably a good thing for me.  I put me back on clear liquids through yesterday (Monday).  I will probably stay on full liquids today and I might start to introduce some pureeds tomorrow or something.  We'll see how it goes.  

I need to eat.  I am weak.  Without calories, there is not enough energy to do things.  And when I say things,  what I mean to say is take a shower, get ready to go to the store, fold clothes..... I'm not asking for much.  

With that being said... I'm not hungry. at all.  It's the wierdest feeling.  I remember being pre-op.  If I would wait too long to eat, I would get headaches and these ravenous pains.  Now, there is nothing. It's just bizarre.  

With all of this, I have lost almost 20 lbs. since surgery.  Eyes on the prize.  

waaattttteeer!!!

There is not enough water in this world to satisfy my thirst right now.  All I want is a big glass of water and to gulp it down.  The problem is, I do that and my left side burns like a sharp knife is sticking in it.   sip, sip sip.  Ugh!  

Feeling like a human

Pre-surgery, I slept with one pillow either on my side or on my back.  Needless to say, I haven't been able to sleep like that at all.  Each night, it has gotten better until last night, I got into bed, rolled over on my side and cuddled up on Kenny's chest while we watched Mythbusters.  It was the most comfort I have felt in a week.    Shortly after, I rolled back over to my side and laid there on one pillow, just like old times.   I finally feel like a human again.

On that same note,  I was able to get up and do a couple of dishes today.  I know that doesn't sound that exciting but really, it is.  It took me a little longer than usual and I had to rest afterwards but at least I did them.    Lucky for me, Kenny has been an absolute doll and done most of the housework since surgery.  I am a lucky girl

First wow.

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning up against the counter.  My feet were together which doesn't happen and then my knees started hurting.  Then I realized that it was because the way I was standing my knee bones were hitting each other.  uhm... when did I get bones there?

One week post-op visit

I went to see Ashlee, Dr. Brandon's PA today.  Everything is going like it should.  I am down to 297.  This is 9 pounds since the day of surgery.  For the past week, I have been super bloated and swollen.  Luckily for me, I think I did a serious water cleansing (or as my nurse put it "diuresis") yesterday.  I think this attributed to the weight loss.  If this would have been yesterday, I don't think that number would have been as high.  I would have been okay either way.  Those were hardest 9 pounds I have EVER lost. 

I also got my staples out.  Kenny and I (and his boss and a few other people) wondered how they take these things out.  They really just used this little pair of scissors that just went right under them and popped them off.  I only really felt pain with one of them.  I have 6 incisions.  Three up and Three down.  The top three are small and have healed nicely.  The bottom two on the right are about an inch long and had about 5 staples a piece.  The pain was from the bottom middle one.  Then there is the bottom left incision.  That thing is about 2 inches long and gnarly.  When he pulled out the 8 staples, the skin  just kinda separated.  EEE GADS!  Freaked me out a bit.  He put steri-strips on the bottom three and sent me on my way.  

The best part about today was that they put me on pureed foods.  We went to Wal*mart to get a couple of things.  I rode around on one of the little carts.  WOO HOO.  I mean, I am definitely up and moving, but I think that would have been too much for me.  Besides the fact that I walk about as fast as an old man.  After our shopping trip, we went home and I immediately cooked me a scrambled egg with shredded lowfat cheese and a   small small    touch of blended salsa.  I was able to eat the whole thing with no pain or problems.  I am the happiest egg eatin' mofo on the planet.  

Now to go plan some other meal plans for this pureed stage that I will be on for 3 weeks.  

Let's talk about the surgery...

for a minute. while it is still fresh.  I'm gonna want to remember some of this later....

Sunday, Dec. 21 - returned home from Middletown, OH from my grandpa's funeral.  I had McDonald's.  I hadn't had it in a while but I was feeling like I needed to.  The fries were not the glorious little bits that I remember.  They were greasy and lackluster.  I'm really glad I did it.

Monday, Dec 22 - I began the 8 day liquid diet.  We also put the hole in the wall in the kitchen this day.  Every pound of the hammer, every saw, even the tiniest noise made my hunger headache ten times worse.  This was by far the worst day out of the diet days.  It really hit me that I wasn't going to be able to eat whenever I wanted to.  I truly mourned my food.

Thursday, December 25 - I finally started to feel normal again.  Just about half way through the liquid diet and I was finding some sense of balance. At least there were no more headaches. 

Tuesday, December 30 - I arrived at the hospital at 5:30a.m.   We waited in the VERY cold waiting room for about 30 minutes.  They finally took me back and prepped me.  Funny thing is, when they weighed me, I weighed 2 lbs higher than I did before the liquid diet.  They put me in the awesome blow-up, heated suit and asked my name and the reason I was here about a million times.  

I went into surgery pretty much on time at 7:30a.m.  From what I understand, no real complications.  The intubation went fine (I had had some problems when I went in for gall bladder surgery).  This guy had none.  I obviously don't remember anything in there.  I woke up in recovery and they moved me around noon up to my real room.  I was on the ninth floor.  I began walking around 3p.m.  At first it was to the end of the hall.  At 5 p.m., I was walking around the loop of the floor.  My bladder was working.  I walked about every 2 hours.  The morphine pump was working just fine as well.  

The next day, I was doing fine and the decided to dismiss me around 4 p.m.  We go home, I had some blended soup.  Then it happened.  I had a nosebleed.  These are fairly common for me.  The only bad thing is that it drained back into my little pouch.  Around 6:30 p.m., I began throwing up. and throwing up and throwing up.  It looked like beef broth and smelled like fishy death.  I still can't get that smell out of my head.  The first time I vomited, It had blood in it which freaked both of us out.  This continued on through the night and then about 5:30 a.m., Kenny paged Dr. Brandon.  He called us back about 15 mins later and told us to go on down to the emergency room.  He would meet us there.  We got there about 6:30 and he was in my emergency room around 7a.m. 

They began doing testing on me.  The first of which was an x-ray.  I was in so much pain that I just cried.  They asked me to lie down flat and I couldn't.  When I finally got into that position, they asked me to stay still.  Not a problem since I couldn't even take a breath.  They got me back to my room shortly after and began pumping me with drugs.  We wanted to go up to a floor but that never happened.  I stayed down there in the emergency room for a total of 37 hours.   Truth be told, the first 12 hours were horrible, but then when the 7p to 7a nurse came in, he had pity on me.  His name was David and he went down and tracked down a real bed for me.  after that, I was fine.  Those little gurneys are not made for extended stay and especially not for a 300 pound woman.  

I stayed there until Friday afternoon.  The doctor said that my xray showed that I had an ileus.  Basically my bowels were a little angry and were not coming to the party yet.  I went home and stayed on clear liquids.  I am in no hurry.

Saturday Jan 3 - I was feeling better.  still groggy but better.  I actually farted.  I have never been so happy about passing gas.  Also, I had my last dose of Lortab. 

Sunday Jan 4 - I had my first bowel movement.  This was absolutely monumental for me.  I am still struggling to get in all of my proteins and such but it is getting better exponentially each day. 

Monday, Jan 5 - My first day home alone.  I didn't do much.  I took most of everything that I needed to take.  I need to be a little more diligent about this.  I got in about 50-60 grams of proteins though.  Thats a big step for me.  

Now we begin in real time.....

One Week Out

Today is Monday,  January 5, 2009.  Tomorrow will be my one week anniversary of the surgery. Yes, I did my homework.  Yes, I went to support groups.  I am on Obesity Help religiously.  I am prepared for everything that is going to happen.  What I really missed was the stuff from this first week.  It seems that everyone kinda leaves that part out.  

Here are a few things I wish I would have known prior to December 30th at 7:30 a.m.

• Pooping and Farting are my friends.  Also, you never know how much you miss your friends until they don't come around!
  
• Before surgery, you drank all kinds of water so you could prepare for life after surgery.  Don't bother.  It's crazy hard!  The cliche of "sip, sip, sip" should be modified to read "never be without a water bottle strapped to your hand".  
• I miss chewing.  I would sell my soul for a cracker or some granola or a potato chip.
• I haven't had a real shirt on in a week.  It's kind of liberating.
• If you have to option of taking it in your IV or crushing it,  TAKE IT IN YOUR IV!!!!
• This is not a race.  Stay in the hospital until you are sure you can do this on your own.  
• Where are you going to sleep when you get home?  Please have an idea about this.  Not so much on the bed for the first night.
• Never trust a fart. 
• No one warned me about the hemorroids. My ass is killing me!
• There is no such thing as "girly", "dainty", "independent" or "cute" for at least a week. Don't even plan on it!
• They put staples in your skin.  It freaks me out a bit.
• this "70 grams of protein" thing is impossible when you can only eat about 2 tablespoons of food at a time.  I am going to continue to work on it but, geez

I know this will all get better because really, it can't possibly be worse than it was when I was puking up this nasty substance that looked like beef broth and smelled like fishy death.  I must remember, I am doing this for my long term health.  This will free me.  

I will be stronger because of this!