This shit is hard. It makes the phrase "she took the easy way out" even more frustrating, more heartbreaking, more offensive. I sometimes forget that I am safe and protected by my family and friends and in the comfort of obesityhelp.com. All of these places remind me that I did the right thing and to keep my eye on the ultimate goal - my health. Every once in a while, I venture out into the unsafe world we all affectionately drawn to. The internet can be an unkind place but unfortunately, it is a representation of our culture. The bad thing (or good thing, as you see it) the internet allows people to speak without filters. You see true feelings and thoughts. that 18 year old kid you see at the grocery store may not make eye contact with you in the check out line, but when he goes home, he speaks freely about what he thought. What creates those feelings? Did he learn it from the TV? Is that how is dad is? Worse even, is that how his mom portrays herself to be? I have never been one to let all of that get to me. Maybe my voice has given me a confidence I wouldn't have had otherwise. Maybe it's because when I read Maya Angelou, I took it to heart. Why yes, I do dance like I have diamonds at the meeting of my thighs. thank you. Yes, it's hard.... but I know it is worth it.
I am struggling with a couple of things. first of all, the proteins. There is no way I am getting all of my proteins in. The supplements won't stay down or I can't even get them past my lips. That is really frustrating for me. I want to be the best patient I can be but this isn't helping. I am also struggling a bit with my food. When i had my appt last Tuesday, Ashlee progressed me to pureed foods. In retrospect, too early but I can't change that. On Thursday, I ate tilapia. moist, mushed, everything it was supposed to be, but I overate and it has totally fucked me up. I puked immediately. Now I have paid for it since then. Well, actually I am fine now, but I live in fear of what goes into my mouth. This is probably a good thing for me. I put me back on clear liquids through yesterday (Monday). I will probably stay on full liquids today and I might start to introduce some pureeds tomorrow or something. We'll see how it goes.
I need to eat. I am weak. Without calories, there is not enough energy to do things. And when I say things, what I mean to say is take a shower, get ready to go to the store, fold clothes..... I'm not asking for much.
With that being said... I'm not hungry. at all. It's the wierdest feeling. I remember being pre-op. If I would wait too long to eat, I would get headaches and these ravenous pains. Now, there is nothing. It's just bizarre.
With all of this, I have lost almost 20 lbs. since surgery. Eyes on the prize.
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