disguised victories

The last time I had a period was last year - in May. That one like all of the others that I have had since at least 1999 have been Provera-induced. I take 10 days of the the progesterone supplement Provera and then about 3 days later, I have a period. It's usually long and miserable but it gets the job done.

Step back to my marriage with Steve. We decided to get married on May 1st and then actually did it on May 15th. Yes, 2 weeks. We decided that we wanted a kid and married, I would be on his insurance and see an infertility specialist. So that is what we did. I went to Dr. Fahimi. We went through lots of cycles and bloodwork and stuff that no girl should have to do before she finally told me that I none of this stuff was working because I was too fat and she wouldn't help me further until I lost weight. Now, okay, I get it but then it was hurtful and mean and I hated her for it. Since then, I have gotten divorced, dated then remarried. Kenny and I have wanted a child but I didn't want to go through the infertility stuff again. I knew in my heart that Dr. Fahimi was right even though she was a bitch about it. Some of you know my failed adoption story so we aren't looking to get into that again. This leaves us with loosing weight. That's when Gastric Bypass came into play. My health and well being was the biggest determining factor for having RNY but second came the baby thing. I know at 35, I am running out of time. Third reason, I want my ass to look good in jeans again! Too few people admit to vanity as one of the reasons but I'm just trying to be honest.

About 2 weeks ago, my boobs were killing me. I kept them locked up in my padded bra (it has to be padded b/c I have no boobs otherwise. dammit!) under the safety of the foam but when I took it off, they just ached. A couple of nights, I had to actually sleep with my bra on. Those who know me know that is a fate worse than death! Fast forward to yesterday.... I started my period. I must have ovulated 2 weeks ago. OMG!!! That must have been what that pain was. Right now, I am in so much pain from cramps and just overall feeling like poop but I am so joyful. Part of me feels like a woman again. The maternal side of me sees hope.

I came to grips with my infertility a long time ago. I don't get upset when the people around me get pregnant. I don't define myself by if I do or do not have a child. I can go to baby showers and be okay. Kenny and I really enjoy each other so being just "Missy and Kenny" for the rest of our lives is okay with me..... however, it is still nice to know that it is now a possibility.